Filmed Cameo Characters Impressions.

Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz

Sean Denny….Mike Myers
Billy Westman….Rob Schneider
Serena Williams….Ellen Cleghorne
Mark Hirschfeld….Adam Sandler
Eric Thompson….Tim Meadows
Stevie Sisken….David Spade
Doreen Farvin….Melanie Hutsell
Nick Russell….Emilio Estevez

[open on electric sign: “Geek Dweeb or Spazz”]

Announcer: It’s time for your favorite high school game show, “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz.” [shot widens to show studio] Now meet your host, the coolest senior at Park Ridge High School, Sean Denny!

Sean: Hello, and welcome to “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz,” where the most popular kids at school ask questions of our loser guests to determine who is a geek, dweeb, or spazz. [chuckles] Okay, now let’s meet our cool panelists. [walks over to panelsists’ podiums] Billy Westman. Billy, you’re the captain of the Scarsdale High School lacross team, and you sit at the best table in the lunch room.

Billy: Sean, wherever I sit is the best table.

Sean: [chuckles] Okay. And to your left is Serena Williams. Serena, you’re copied by every white girl in your school who wants to walk, talk, and dress just like you. Also, you’re dating a college guy.

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Serena: That’s right, Sean. High school guys are so immature.

Sean: [chuckles] Yeah. Wedding casino hire northern ireland. Yeah, right. And, finally, Mark Hirschfeld. It says here, your uncle is the accountant for Aerosmith.

Mark: Yeah. Steven Tyler sang at my bar mitzvah.

Sean: All right, that’s great. All right, panelists, are you ready to play “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz?”

[the panel agrees unenthusiastically]

Sean: Okay, all right then. Let’s please welcome our first guest, Eric Thompson.

[Eric enters, wearing a black “SeaQuest DSV” shirt, thick glasses, and slacks]

Announcer: Eric is a dweeb. [flashing title: “DWEEB”]

Sean: Okay, all right. Billy. Billy, you’re up first.

Billy: Okay, Eric. Describe your perfect Friday night.

Eric: My perfect Friday night? Well, I could head to the mall and catch a movie. PG, of course. Or I could stay at home and play “Tetris” with my parents.

[Billy rings in]

Sean: Billy.

Billy: He’s a geek!

[buzzer sounds]

Sean: Sorry, sorry, sorry, that’s not it. Mark, your turn to ask a question.

Mark: Okay, Eric, what would you say if I asked you to borrow your dad’s car to go to a party.

Eric: Will there be drinking at said party?

[Mark rings in]

Mark: Sean, I got this one. This guy’s a dweeb.

[dinging sound]

Sean: Nice call, Mark. Nice call. Better luck next time, Eric.

Eric: [waves] I’ll see you guys later. [exits]

Sean: Yeah, right. Okay. All right, let’s now welcome our second guest, Stevie Sisken.

[Stevie enters, with unkempt hair and wearing a powder blue t-shirt with “Ghostbusters” logo]

Announcer: Stevie is a spazz. [flashing title: “SPAZZ”]

Sean: Serena, your question.

Serena: Thanks, Sean. Stevie, let’s say as a goof, right, I agreed to go out with you. What would we do on our date?

Stevie: Oh! That would be sweet! You could go out with me and my cousin to the school soccer game. Then we could all pile in my Sirocco, and then we’ll get some pizza, and then we could slide on my Slip ‘N Slide all night. It’s gonna be sweet!

[Mark rings in]

Mark: Sean, I got it. He’s a homo?

[buzzer sounds]

Sean: No, I’m sorry Mark. “Homo” is not one of the categories.

[Billy rings in]

Sean: Billy!

Billy: Sean, he acts like a geek, but I gotta go with my gut. He’s a spazz!

[dinging sound]

Sean: Good eye, Billy! Good eye!

Stevie: Hey, Serena! Pick you up at seven! It’s gonna be sweet!

Serena: Sure, Stevie. I’ll meet you in front of the Robert Taylor Housing Project. Building C. I may be a few hours late, so wait for me.

Sean: And make sure you wear that shirt. [chuckles]

Stevie: Yes, sir. Sweet! [exits]

Sean: Okay, all right. Okay, now let’s meet our third geek, dweeb, or spazz, Doreen Farvin.

[Doreen enters, dressed in a fast food uniform with paper hat]

Announcer: Doreen is a geeky-dweeb. [flashing title: “GEEKY-DWEEB”]

Doreen: Hi guys. [waves] [Serena rings in]

Sean: Serena!

Serena: [laughing] Doreen is a geeky dweeb!

[dinging sound]

Sean: That’s right! That’s right!

Doreen: Can I say hello to my best friend Shirley Vega, please?

Sean: Hmmm…let me think. No! [chuckles] [Doreen exits in a huff]

Sean: Okay. All right, now it’s time for our final round where everyone at home can play along. Our last guest just transferred to my high school from a school in Hayward, California. Please welcome Nick Russell!

[Nick enters, wearing a leather jacket and jeans, and drinking beer]

Sean: Whoah! Well, okay, all right. Billy.

Billy: Do you play any sports?

Nick: No.

Billy: Why? ‘Cause your mommy won’t let you, or do you just suck.

Nick: No, I busted my leg in a motorcycle accident, trying to get away from the state police.

Billy: [staring dumbfoundedly] Wow.

Sean: Mark, your question.

Mark: Okay. Let’s say I tell you to do my homework, or I’ll beat the living crap out of you. Do you a) do my homework, b) get the crap beat out of you, or c) do my homework and get the crap beat out of you?

Nick: The answer is d) I would kick your ass for asking me, and then I’d go to your house and beat up your old man.

Mark: [quietly] No more questions.

Nick: What did you say to me?!

Mark: [with quivering voice] Nothing! I said, “No more questions.” I swear to God, just leave me alone.

Sean: Okay, all right. Well. Serena, your question.

Serena: [timidly] Uh, um… Would you go out with me, Nick?

Nick: [scoffs] Maybe as a goof.

Sean: Anybody? Anybody? Seems like our panelists are stumped. [Nick smiles smugly] Maybe this yearbook picture from Nick’s old high school back in California will help. [Nick looks around nervously] Let’s take a look.

[dissolve to photograph of Nick, dressed as a stereotypical geek, with thick glasses and a vest, holding either a comic book or an RPG guidbook, with title: “Dungeons And Dragons Club]

Nick: Where’d you get that?! No, no, please!

[dissolve to studio]

Sean: Yes, that’s right. At his last high school, Nick was the treasurer of the Dungeons and Dragons club.

[Serena rings in]

Sean: Serena!

Serena: Oh! He’s a royal geek.

[dinging sound]

Sean: Royal geek is correct! [flashing title: “ROYAL GEEK”] Serena, we also would have accepted “total geek” or “your highness, king of the geeks.”

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Nick: Thanks a lot. Now I’m gonna have to change schools again! [runs off]

Sean: Serena, you’re our winner!

Serena: [runs out from behind podium onto studio floor] Oh! So, what did I win?

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Sean: Well, Serena, for one weekend you will have unlimited use of my stepdad’s cellular phone. Perfect for crank calls all over the world!

Serena: For real?!


Sean: Absolutely. I don’t care, ’cause I hate him. [chuckles] Okay, all right. This is Sean Denny. See you next time on “Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz!”

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

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The Wicker Breakdown:

  1. This week's show started in Singapore for the Michael Fay Caning which was an incident at the time where an American got caned in Singapore after vandalizing several cars and a bus only to find that the caner, the person swinging the cane, is actually Kevin Nealon who played an American who moved to Singapore since there were no caning jobs in the states. Kevin really enjoys his job and rambles on making pleasant small talk while beating the hell out of Emilio Estevez who was playing Michael Fay. As always, with this being the opening sketch, it eventually led to the announcement of, “Live from New York…”
  2. Emilio Estevez then officially opened the show with a monolog about what the Brat Pack is up to now that they are all old with a bit of a where are they now segment highlighting how he is the only one who was still a success, at the time. This would have been much more fun if they actually had pictures to go along with the jokes but instead Emilio quickly ran through his subtle jabs so quickly that the jokes fell pretty flat, barely getting any response from the crowd but at least he seemed to be having fun trying to tell jokes since I was a bit worried that this might be a too cool for the show type of appearance.
  3. Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz was a game show sketch hosted by Mike Myers where the popular kids from school played the contestants who had to categorize all of the misfits from their school after asking them a couple of questions.
  4. The Whitewater Folder was a parody ad for a new book by John Grisham that treated the investigation of the Whitewater scandal as if it were another installment in his series of legal thriller books.
  5. Pearl Jam then took to the stage to perform Not For You.
  6. Once again, Kevin Nealon gave us the news. This week, Kevin Nealon slipped into his Subliminal Man character to give a commentary on the Singapore caning incident that was referred to in the opening sketch. Opera Man also dropped in to sing another song about the events that were making the headlines during throughout the week.
  7. How Much Ya Bench? was the classic talk show sketch with a panel filled with juiced up, muscle-bound bodybuilders who all have huge upper bodies but tiny legs since their main focus is, as the title suggests, bench-pressing. During the discussion, the entire panel struggles to hold back their roid rage while claiming to be steroid-free.
  8. Pearl Jam then returned to the stage to perform Rearviewmirror.
  9. The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service returned for another installment where Adam Sander begs to watch your grandmother while Chris Farley aggressively reassured us that the Herlihy Boy is the perfect fit for the job. The sketch ended with Emilio Estevez as himself to vouch for the Herlihy Boy.
  10. We then went to a poker game in the Wild West where Emilio Estevez played Poker Billy who was super good at the game even though he had absolutely no idea how to play. Meanwhile, he thinks that everyone else is cheating. In between hands, Mike McKean played a character who sang a tune that told the tale of the annoying poker player.
  11. This was followed by another Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey where Jack thought back to the invention of the fly swatter.
  12. Pearl Jam returned to the stage yet again, this time to perform the song Daughter.
  13. Finally, Emilio Estevez closed the show by thanking the audience and saying his goodnights.
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